Responding After Suicide

Paddy Kutz, Executive Director, Mental Health America of Licking County

For all the talk about it, suicide is still a fairly rare event, but if you lost someone to suicide, there are some things you need to know.

• Most people won’t ever know anyone who ended his or her own life, so most people don’t think about it very much. Most people don’t have to.
• Most people have never thought about what it is like to “survive” the death of a loved one, relative, friend or co-worker.
• If you are like most people, you probably didn’t think that much about it either, so it’s little wonder that you may be confused and uncertain about what to do should you experience a suicide. You may wonder:

What to say to others?

What to expect as you grieve?

What to expect from others who are also grieving?

How to explain this to someone else?

How to explain this to yourself?

Why did this happen?

etc. etc. etc.

There will be a mixture of sadness, bewilderment, and uncertainty and lots of questions and concerns.

Unfortunately, most people don’t know this and there aren’t any easy solutions to the difficult situations a death by suicide presents. Sometimes there aren’t any answers for the questions raised.

• “Why didn’t I see any warning signs?” They may not be easy to spot. Many signs such as changes in behavior, may develop slowly – if at all. People who are planning a suicide may hide their feelings and plans from others.
• “How could he or she have done it?” It is natural to feel angry and resentful toward the person who died. Acknowledging these feelings can be an important part of the healthy process.
• “Was it my fault?” You may feel guilty or wonder if you could have done more to help the person. Or you might worry that you somehow caused the person to choose suicide. Remember, it is NOT your fault.

Understanding Your Feelings

A person grieving after a suicide often experiences:

• Shock and denial – at first, you may feel emotionally numb or have a hard time believing the person is truly gone. You may even try to deny the cause of death.
• Anger – you may feel angry with yourself and others for not being able to “save” the person. You may also feel angry with the person who died by suicide.
• Guilt – it’s common for suicide survivors to blame themselves for things they did or didn’t do. But remember, you couldn’t know what would happen.
• Shame – you may worry that others will criticize you or judge you harshly.
• Loneliness and fear – as initial feelings of shock wear off, you must begin to face the finality of your loss. You may feel insecure and afraid to face the future.
• Hopelessness and sadness – feelings of hopelessness and sadness may seem overwhelming. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel joy and pleasure again. Watch out for depression setting in. Grieving is natural, but depression is a treatable illness, which you must deal with appropriately. Get help!
• Acceptance and hope – with time you will learn to accept your loss and feel hopeful again.

Your feelings may surprise you, but they are a natural part of the grieving process. Most people feel strong emotions when they lose someone and the shock of a death by suicide may cause even more intense feelings. Trying to hide or ignore your feelings won’t make them go away. It may take time, but you can learn to copy with these intense, and sometimes confusing, feelings.

“Why suicide? There is no single cause. Generally, the answer is that the person felt trapped by what they saw as a hopeless situation, worthlessness, they felt isolated and cut off from life. They felt intense pain and anguish. They probably weren’t choosing death as much as choosing to end the unbearable pain, whether from problems and losses or from the symptoms of a mental illness or both.

Mental Health America of Licking County has a Survivors After Suicide support group. It is free and can be so helpful in the healing process. The group meets at our office at the rear of 65 Messimer Drive the third Tuesday of the month at 7 pm. We have many suggestions on how to handle these difficult situations. You can call us at 740-522-1341 or email at mhalc@alink.com. Our website is www.mhalc.org for information and resources as well.

Grieving

The death of someone close to us is one of life’s most stressful events. It takes time to heal and each of us responds differently. Grieving is not orderly and you may need help to cope, but in the end, coping effectively is vital to your mental health.

Mourning and the complex stages of the grieving process are necessary and it takes time. The period of grieving varies greatly from person to person. Grieving is not a weakness; it is a necessity. Refusing to grieve is not courageous and may cause you a great deal of harm later on both emotionally and physically.

The grief process has many stages, but most people do not usually flow from the first stage to the last in a logical order. Some people will jump back and forth between stages and the length of time it takes to go through the stages will vary.

• shock and denial – feeling emotionally numb


• anger – it’s unfair, you may be mad at yourself (for not being kinder) or mad at the deceased (for leaving you etc.)


• guilt – blaming yourself or feeling like you are losing emotional control


• feeling dragged down – the blues or the blahs or even experiencing the signs and symptoms of depression


• loneliness – really missing the person (it’s time to reach out to others)


• hope – you will reach a stage where you can focus on your future

First a person is in numbness or shock. It can feel like you are “sleepwalking” through life and it may last several weeks or longer; then there is a time of disorganization when feelings begin to come alive again, but it may be hard to focus and make sense of life; and eventually, the re-organization happens. A great hurt is never completely forgotten; rather it takes its place among life’s other, more immediate demands.

Living with loss means that you are taking care of your emotional needs. Some suggestions on coping: Be with caring people; express your feelings; take enough time; accept a changed life; take care of your physical health; support others in their grief; come to terms with your loss; make a new beginning; Postpone major life changes (if you just can’t think clearly); Reach out for help – call Mental Health America of Licking County at 740-522-1341 or email me: paddykutz@alink.com for referrals.

Helping Children Grieve: Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A child’s sense of security or survival may be affected. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings put very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.

Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Explain to them what happens next such as burial and memorial services, and take time to answer questions. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

Helping others Grieve: To help someone who has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.

• Share the sorrow – allow them, even encourage them – to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.


• Don’t offer false comfort – it doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time” or “they are in a better place now.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.


• Offer practical help – baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.


• Be patient – remember that it can take a long time to recover from a loss. Make yourself available to talk.


• Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions may include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, and/or depression. The death of a loved one is always difficult. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Remember, it takes time to fully absorb the impact of a loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

--Paddy Kutz
Executive Director
Mental Health America of Licking County