Grieving

The death of someone close to us is one of life’s most stressful events. It takes time to heal and each of us responds differently. Grieving is not orderly and you may need help to cope, but in the end, coping effectively is vital to your mental health.

Mourning and the complex stages of the grieving process are necessary and it takes time. The period of grieving varies greatly from person to person. Grieving is not a weakness; it is a necessity. Refusing to grieve is not courageous and may cause you a great deal of harm later on both emotionally and physically.

The grief process has many stages, but most people do not usually flow from the first stage to the last in a logical order. Some people will jump back and forth between stages and the length of time it takes to go through the stages will vary.

• shock and denial – feeling emotionally numb


• anger – it’s unfair, you may be mad at yourself (for not being kinder) or mad at the deceased (for leaving you etc.)


• guilt – blaming yourself or feeling like you are losing emotional control


• feeling dragged down – the blues or the blahs or even experiencing the signs and symptoms of depression


• loneliness – really missing the person (it’s time to reach out to others)


• hope – you will reach a stage where you can focus on your future

First a person is in numbness or shock. It can feel like you are “sleepwalking” through life and it may last several weeks or longer; then there is a time of disorganization when feelings begin to come alive again, but it may be hard to focus and make sense of life; and eventually, the re-organization happens. A great hurt is never completely forgotten; rather it takes its place among life’s other, more immediate demands.

Living with loss means that you are taking care of your emotional needs. Some suggestions on coping: Be with caring people; express your feelings; take enough time; accept a changed life; take care of your physical health; support others in their grief; come to terms with your loss; make a new beginning; Postpone major life changes (if you just can’t think clearly); Reach out for help – call Mental Health America of Licking County at 740-522-1341 or email me: paddykutz@alink.com for referrals.

Helping Children Grieve: Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A child’s sense of security or survival may be affected. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings put very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.

Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Explain to them what happens next such as burial and memorial services, and take time to answer questions. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

Helping others Grieve: To help someone who has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.

• Share the sorrow – allow them, even encourage them – to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.


• Don’t offer false comfort – it doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time” or “they are in a better place now.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.


• Offer practical help – baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.


• Be patient – remember that it can take a long time to recover from a loss. Make yourself available to talk.


• Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions may include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, and/or depression. The death of a loved one is always difficult. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Remember, it takes time to fully absorb the impact of a loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

--Paddy Kutz
Executive Director
Mental Health America of Licking County