Responding After Suicide

Paddy Kutz, Executive Director, Mental Health America of Licking County

For all the talk about it, suicide is still a fairly rare event, but if you lost someone to suicide, there are some things you need to know.

• Most people won’t ever know anyone who ended his or her own life, so most people don’t think about it very much. Most people don’t have to.
• Most people have never thought about what it is like to “survive” the death of a loved one, relative, friend or co-worker.
• If you are like most people, you probably didn’t think that much about it either, so it’s little wonder that you may be confused and uncertain about what to do should you experience a suicide. You may wonder:

What to say to others?

What to expect as you grieve?

What to expect from others who are also grieving?

How to explain this to someone else?

How to explain this to yourself?

Why did this happen?

etc. etc. etc.

There will be a mixture of sadness, bewilderment, and uncertainty and lots of questions and concerns.

Unfortunately, most people don’t know this and there aren’t any easy solutions to the difficult situations a death by suicide presents. Sometimes there aren’t any answers for the questions raised.

• “Why didn’t I see any warning signs?” They may not be easy to spot. Many signs such as changes in behavior, may develop slowly – if at all. People who are planning a suicide may hide their feelings and plans from others.
• “How could he or she have done it?” It is natural to feel angry and resentful toward the person who died. Acknowledging these feelings can be an important part of the healthy process.
• “Was it my fault?” You may feel guilty or wonder if you could have done more to help the person. Or you might worry that you somehow caused the person to choose suicide. Remember, it is NOT your fault.

Understanding Your Feelings

A person grieving after a suicide often experiences:

• Shock and denial – at first, you may feel emotionally numb or have a hard time believing the person is truly gone. You may even try to deny the cause of death.
• Anger – you may feel angry with yourself and others for not being able to “save” the person. You may also feel angry with the person who died by suicide.
• Guilt – it’s common for suicide survivors to blame themselves for things they did or didn’t do. But remember, you couldn’t know what would happen.
• Shame – you may worry that others will criticize you or judge you harshly.
• Loneliness and fear – as initial feelings of shock wear off, you must begin to face the finality of your loss. You may feel insecure and afraid to face the future.
• Hopelessness and sadness – feelings of hopelessness and sadness may seem overwhelming. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel joy and pleasure again. Watch out for depression setting in. Grieving is natural, but depression is a treatable illness, which you must deal with appropriately. Get help!
• Acceptance and hope – with time you will learn to accept your loss and feel hopeful again.

Your feelings may surprise you, but they are a natural part of the grieving process. Most people feel strong emotions when they lose someone and the shock of a death by suicide may cause even more intense feelings. Trying to hide or ignore your feelings won’t make them go away. It may take time, but you can learn to copy with these intense, and sometimes confusing, feelings.

“Why suicide? There is no single cause. Generally, the answer is that the person felt trapped by what they saw as a hopeless situation, worthlessness, they felt isolated and cut off from life. They felt intense pain and anguish. They probably weren’t choosing death as much as choosing to end the unbearable pain, whether from problems and losses or from the symptoms of a mental illness or both.

Mental Health America of Licking County has a Survivors After Suicide support group. It is free and can be so helpful in the healing process. The group meets at our office at the rear of 65 Messimer Drive the third Tuesday of the month at 7 pm. We have many suggestions on how to handle these difficult situations. You can call us at 740-522-1341 or email at mhalc@alink.com. Our website is www.mhalc.org for information and resources as well.