The Tendency to Whining

Most kids--all kids?--at times whine, badger their parents, or have a temper tantrum when they don't get their way. Which tactics do your kids use? Do they tend to have favorite tactics when they are frustrated? Or do they try, say, whining, and if that doesn't work, move on to badgering or other tactics?

Child psychologist Thomas Phelan, whose "1-2-3 Magic" parenting video is a favorite of mine, says it's a bad sign if your child uses one tactic over and over. Why? Because that usually means it's working for them!

It can mean you are caving in and giving them what they want. But what if you don't give in? If they aren't getting their way, why do they keep doing it? Dr. Phelan says it may be they are getting revenge: "You're frustrating me, so I'm going to frustrate you." And how can they tell if they are getting revenge? Because you get upset.

Therefore, Dr. Phelan recommends staying calm and having a consequence that doesn't involve you getting all bent out of shape by having what he calls a "parental temper tantrum." Let the consequence be the bad guy, not you. Staying calm, of course, is easier said than done, but one cool thing about "1-2-3 Magic" is that once it is working for you, you don't have to act like you're not upset. You honestly don't have to *get* upset.

One of the fringe benefits of my job is the joy that parents experience when their new parenting techniques work and they can enjoy their children instead of constantly being stressed and angry. We have several programs that can help parents turn around their children's behavior, sometimes very quickly--not only kids' behaviors, but also their own parenting behaviors.

Aside from 1-2-3 Magic, we have:

• Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
• How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk also by Faber and Mazlish
• What Successful Kids Have That Others Don't (based on Developmental Asset Building from The Search Institute).

You can call me at (740) 788-0300 to register, or to let me know if your church, school or other organizations would like a program. Workshops are free, but donations are always welcome.

JUDITH WAITE ALLEE,

Parent Support Coordinator

English is a Funny Language

English is a funny language. There's a world of difference between "going to jail" and "going to the jail." You see, I "go to the jail" twice a week to offer parenting programs. Oddly enough, it's one of the things I enjoy most about my job. The men and women I meet at the jail come to my class voluntarily, so they tend to be interested, involved, and they are some of the most appreciative people I have ever met. Mind you, I wouldn't want to stay locked up, but so far, the sentries have always let me out, so it's all good.

Back to enjoying my job. "Enjoy" isn't the right word, is it? I should have said "rewarding." It's a painful time for most of them--sometimes it's the first time they've ever been away from their children. Often they feel horrible about the effect a bad decision has had on their families, especially when an addiction is involved. And I'd bet addiction to alcohol or other drugs is involved about 80% of the time, even though the charge may not involve substance abuse. (I asked a deputy and a jail social worker to guess, too, and all 3 of us came up with 80% on the nose.)

I ask parents at the jail to fill out a short survey at the end of the workshop. One of the questions is "Because of this workshop, I plan to __________________________________." Here are a few of the answers I've gotten in the last month:

• "Talk differently to my children."
• "Change how I handle issues that arise daily in our home."
• "Be a better parent."
• "Watch my words."
• "Use the tools I learned."
• "Keep my son as a priority."
• "Positive environment, specific encouragement."
• "Be there." (Especially meaningful for someone in jail.)

And my personal favorite: "Keep going. I love it."

You don't have to go to jail to attend parenting classes. All our programs are free, although they require a reservation. We normally schedule classes on Mondays, 6-8 PM; Tuesdays, 10 AM-noon; and by appointment at other times. For example, temporarily we have a class on Thursdays 4:30-6:30 PM to accommodate a dad's schedule.

As one dad in jail said: "Be there!" But remember to call me first at 788-0300 to make a reservation. (If there's not enough registration, we may not meet.) You can also call me if you'd like to volunteer to work with parents.

--Judith Allee

Parent Support Coordinator

Go Ahead, Make My Week!

UPDATE: Got another note from Susan Jones at 6:20 PM. This morning she participated in a second Triple P (Postive Parenting Program) session. During the session, she created a written plan for tracking bothersome behaviors and how she would handle them. She decided to focus not only on stopping negative behavior, but also on creating a more fun and encouraging atmosphere in her home. Here are her comments:

"I have seen changes already. The positive stuff makes all the difference. . .thanks for the game plan. It made bathtime and supper so much easier. I can almost see where the light at the end of the tunnel is."

Thanks, Susan, for taking time out of your busy day with your four little ones to let me know Triple P is helping. This kind of feedback from parents makes my day. Heck, it makes my week!

--Judith Allee

Parent Support Coordinator