Most kids--all kids?--at times whine, badger their parents, or have a temper tantrum when they don't get their way. Which tactics do your kids use? Do they tend to have favorite tactics when they are frustrated? Or do they try, say, whining, and if that doesn't work, move on to badgering or other tactics?
Child psychologist Thomas Phelan, whose "1-2-3 Magic" parenting video is a favorite of mine, says it's a bad sign if your child uses one tactic over and over. Why? Because that usually means it's working for them!
It can mean you are caving in and giving them what they want. But what if you don't give in? If they aren't getting their way, why do they keep doing it? Dr. Phelan says it may be they are getting revenge: "You're frustrating me, so I'm going to frustrate you." And how can they tell if they are getting revenge? Because you get upset.
Therefore, Dr. Phelan recommends staying calm and having a consequence that doesn't involve you getting all bent out of shape by having what he calls a "parental temper tantrum." Let the consequence be the bad guy, not you. Staying calm, of course, is easier said than done, but one cool thing about "1-2-3 Magic" is that once it is working for you, you don't have to act like you're not upset. You honestly don't have to *get* upset.
One of the fringe benefits of my job is the joy that parents experience when their new parenting techniques work and they can enjoy their children instead of constantly being stressed and angry. We have several programs that can help parents turn around their children's behavior, sometimes very quickly--not only kids' behaviors, but also their own parenting behaviors.
Aside from 1-2-3 Magic, we have:
- Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
- How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk also by Faber and Mazlish
- What Successful Kids Have That Others Don't (based on Developmental Asset Building from The Search Institute).
You can call me at (740) 788-0300 to register, or to let me know if your church, school or other organizations would like a program. Workshops are free, but donations are always welcome.
JUDITH WAITE ALLEE,
Parent Support Coordinator
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