Grieving

The death of someone close to us is one of life’s most stressful events. It takes time to heal and each of us responds differently. Grieving is not orderly and you may need help to cope, but in the end, coping effectively is vital to your mental health.

Mourning and the complex stages of the grieving process are necessary and it takes time. The period of grieving varies greatly from person to person. Grieving is not a weakness; it is a necessity. Refusing to grieve is not courageous and may cause you a great deal of harm later on both emotionally and physically.

The grief process has many stages, but most people do not usually flow from the first stage to the last in a logical order. Some people will jump back and forth between stages and the length of time it takes to go through the stages will vary.

• shock and denial – feeling emotionally numb


• anger – it’s unfair, you may be mad at yourself (for not being kinder) or mad at the deceased (for leaving you etc.)


• guilt – blaming yourself or feeling like you are losing emotional control


• feeling dragged down – the blues or the blahs or even experiencing the signs and symptoms of depression


• loneliness – really missing the person (it’s time to reach out to others)


• hope – you will reach a stage where you can focus on your future

First a person is in numbness or shock. It can feel like you are “sleepwalking” through life and it may last several weeks or longer; then there is a time of disorganization when feelings begin to come alive again, but it may be hard to focus and make sense of life; and eventually, the re-organization happens. A great hurt is never completely forgotten; rather it takes its place among life’s other, more immediate demands.

Living with loss means that you are taking care of your emotional needs. Some suggestions on coping: Be with caring people; express your feelings; take enough time; accept a changed life; take care of your physical health; support others in their grief; come to terms with your loss; make a new beginning; Postpone major life changes (if you just can’t think clearly); Reach out for help – call Mental Health America of Licking County at 740-522-1341 or email me: paddykutz@alink.com for referrals.

Helping Children Grieve: Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A child’s sense of security or survival may be affected. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings put very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.

Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Explain to them what happens next such as burial and memorial services, and take time to answer questions. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

Helping others Grieve: To help someone who has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.

• Share the sorrow – allow them, even encourage them – to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.


• Don’t offer false comfort – it doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time” or “they are in a better place now.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.


• Offer practical help – baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.


• Be patient – remember that it can take a long time to recover from a loss. Make yourself available to talk.


• Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions may include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, and/or depression. The death of a loved one is always difficult. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Remember, it takes time to fully absorb the impact of a loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

--Paddy Kutz
Executive Director
Mental Health America of Licking County

Burning the Candle

Ending poverty in Licking County is a lofty goal, I realize. There are a lot of reasons to not bother even trying.

For one thing, it's hard to keep your candle lit long enough to light the way. But, after meeting last Tuesday night with 8 volunteers committed to rolling up their sleeves to get to work on solutions to poverty, I believe we can make a serious dent in Licking County in my lifetime. Today my candle is burning more brightly.

These volunteers were 6 women from the Missionary Social Action Committee (M-SAC) at the Granville First Baptist Church, along with 2 other volunteers I invited. They came to an orientation meeting for people who want to serve on a team (called a Circle) that helps a low-income parent and his or her family to escape from poverty or near poverty.

The low-income parent serves as the Circle Leader and the other Circle members, called Allies, are people from the business and faith communities, along with others who want to make a difference. While the Circle Leader is learning skills and strategies about becoming financially stable, the Allies are learning about poverty in our community and its causes from the real experts (people in poverty).

Our Circle leaders will be people who have graduated from our Getting Ahead in a Just-Gettin'-By World classes. (18 sessions that can change lives.) Over the last 3 years, about 100 people have graduated from these classes.

Okay, 8 of us at a Granville church may not sound like a big number. But if you'd been there, you'd have felt the energy, commitment and creativity that flowed through the room. My scalp literally tingled with some of the stories and ideas I heard there.

The Circle goes beyond bringing that particular family out of poverty. They look for strategies that will make all of Licking County financially stable. That means working together to ensure good jobs, education, healthcare, housing, law enforcement, and other services that keep the ship afloat and able to weather any storms. If the level of poverty causes a leak in our boat, the whole boat sinks. We need each other.

There's is one tiny hiccup. We haven't raised the money (yet) to make Circles happen. But I'm working on finding grants and I've got help--our Volunteer Brigade is awesome.

Call me at 788-0300 or e-mail me at JudithAllee@MHALC.org if you are:
. a low-income parent who wants to enroll in Getting Ahead
. someone who wants to work on solutions for poverty
. a business person who wants to save costs and increase productivity by increasing retention rates for entry-level workers, helping them and their families to climb out of poverty
. someone with an interest in reducing dropout rates for low-income high school and college students

Or if you want to join a rowdy group of people who fix cars on weekends. Or if you can fix up old computers so that kids in poverty can keep up in school. Or if you like researching or writing grants.

Or if you . . .well, you tell me where your gifts and passions lie, and we will find a way to plug you in. You can learn more about Getting Ahead and other MHA services by surfing our website, www.MHALC,org, or by visiting www.VolunteerMatch.org to learn more about a wide range of volunteer opportunities. You can also visit www.MoveTheMountain.org to learn more about the Circles initiative.

--Judith Allee
Parent Support Coordinator

Tradition

One of the aspects of the holidays that I love best is all of the traditions that emerge or evolve. I had fun freezing the tip of my nose off as my fiancé and I hung lights on our house. I had fun tromping through the snow to cut down a tree to put in our house this past weekend. I had fun hanging ornaments on said tree, even though the pine needles turned my fingers into splotchy red pincushions. I also had fun creating a new tradition. For the first time ever, I made Wassail.

One of my fiancé’s favorite traditions is holiday shopping. The stores and malls come alive over the holiday season, suddenly turning normally cheerful people into cranky shoppers barreling through the aisles with their carts demanding to know why the toy they were after is not in stock. Although buying presents for others is a wonderful tradition during the holidays, we must remember that it is the spirit of giving to others and not the actual gift that is important. With the economy heading south for the winter (and who knows when it will be back…we may see the return of the Canadian geese in the spring before the strength of our economy returns) gift-giving for some people may be limited or not even possible.

We must remember that there are other traditions to take part of during the holidays, and these traditions can be something as simple and free as writing nice notes on pieces of paper and leaving them in the mailboxes of friends and neighbors, or volunteering your time at a local non-profit organization, or building snowmen, or making strings of popcorn to decorate, or making homemade cards, or…the possibilities really are endless.

Even if you do not have any traditions, find something relaxing to do as often as you can to help relieve some of the stress you are feeling, and know that you are not alone! If you or someone you know has thoughts of suicide, please call either Pathways at 2-1-1 (or 345-HELP) or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK.

--Brittany Schumann
Suicide Prevention Coordinator

Families Are Like Opinions

With wars, recession and a sleigh-full of uncertainty, holiday spirit has been in short supply this year. Each night, the inflatable Homer Simpson as Santa comes to life in my neighborhood, but the grim sense that a larger and more menacing inflatable Mr. Burns is just around the corner is never too far away.

For just about as long as I can remember, the holidays have made me a nervous wreck.

We had the tree and the stockings, the presents and the toys, but the centerpiece of every Christmas was the dinner. Because we lived in a small house, our family always went either to the home of my aunt’s family or to that of my uncle. So instead of the anticipatory preparation of turkey and fixings, there was the dread associated with getting into scratchy clothes and snow boots for the drive to dinner.

My parents were of the cocktail generation and so once the coats were hung up and the “what did you get for Christmas-es” were dispensed with, the kids were dispatched to the television room not to return until dinner was served. My father was fond of saying that “children should be seen and not heard” and so we quickly learned our roles at these gatherings.

All of the cousins were just enough older than either my brother or me that we never had all that much in common to talk about. At these gatherings we would still be sitting at the kids table while they were able to sit with the adults.

Among my clearest memories about these gatherings was the laughter. The meal would begin with an old English tradition of opening Christmas crackers. These are tube-shaped paper novelties that contain a paper cap, a small toy such as used to be included in Cracker Jack boxes, a paper hat, and a piece of paper with a merry joke or riddle. (“Q: How do you stop a charging rhino? A: Take away his credit card.”)

Once the multi-colored paper hats were in place, the adults table would take turns reading their joke over the sharp-tongued critiques of the others. A small laugh initiated by the old joke would become a belly laugh when “topped” with some sarcastic remark about the joke teller, or some reference to an incident from the past that cast them in a bad or embarrassing light.

The challenge for anyone wishing to join in the conversation was that they had to be loud enough to seize any gap in the conversation and they had to be funny. And once you had everyone’s attention, there was no room for any kind of uncertainty. You either had something to say, or you didn’t and if you fumbled then that only provided more grist for the comedy mill.

It was kind of like the celebrity roasts that show up on television from time to time. There was not as much bleeping, but the tone was the same. It was not an environment for the faint of heart. Bringing an outsider to the table was a real test of the strength of your relationship. If they came back, it was a sign of the promise of the relationship and if they participated in the comedic free-fire zone and were funny then that was a whole different ballgame.

From my vantage point at the kids table, my cousins all seemed really smart. They could give just as well, or better, than they got, they were laser-accurate in their observations and they all seemed to enjoy the game. They made it seem effortless and like something you would want to be a part of.

By the time I was old enough to sit at the adults table, many of my cousins were no longer coming home for the holidays and I discovered that I had neither the confidence nor the ability to participate in the conversation.

There’s another old riddle that goes, “What’s the secret of comed--? Timing!”

If I have any skill telling a joke—a question frequently debated—it was hard-earned. Even reading the lame Christmas cracker riddles, it was far too easy to misplace the emphasis and lose the joke. And when I did, my loving family was right there to point it out. (Perhaps I should have read more into the fact that those paper hats never fit me....)

As children, we only ever know what we know and so we don’t often have the luxury of seeing our situation for what it is. Often it takes an outsider to tell you that you are having a hard time, or that your environment is toxic. The work I do now is based on this idea.

Still, family is complicated. It’s not destiny—we’re not all doomed to be just like our parents, cousins, etc.—but it is complicated. It’s years later and I don’t go home as much as I used to. I’m not as close to my family as I would like to think but if I don’t go home, I don’t have any relationship with them at all.

Families are like opinions: everybody’s got one and everyone thinks their’s is the most screwed up. There’s no question that some are better than others, but there’s help available to work on those relationships, or how you respond to them. Mental Health America exists to connect people with resources to improve their mental health, including their family ties. If we can help you, please give us a call.

Please accept my best wishes for a safe and healthy holiday season.

--Graham Campbell
Associate Director